Moments

There are these moments. These crazy moments when you tend to go over every infinitesimal interwoven thought coming to your mind. And in these moments, when you’re not exactly despondent I’d say, but you’re sappy and forlorn to the least extent, you think crazy. You think of why she did to you what she did or what made him so nasty or how did you cope with what happened last year or last week or just yesterday. And it’s in the head. Scattered to the most; a hodgepodge in its truer essence. And right then you 9a1802eda890d0edad2b62d1bcba16d2bfb6e413_1200realise, that you are sad. It’s not you being sappy or cranky in the moment. It’s you being you, all raw and sad in the moment because a lot has been going on. Right then you realise that this had to happen and it’s fine that it did because after all you’re a human – created between clay and dust, volatile and vulnerable as you are. And it’s okay to feel this way. I know it’s hard because this moment, or these instances aren’t “get-able.” These are the ones where others just think you’re losing it, you come off as a pampered princess to them
If you are an extrovert exuberant-in-all-times girl, or a perpetually serious hunk “trynna playin’ It cool” if you’re a decent meditative guy. Either way, they don’t get it. They believe you’re being boisterous and cranky for no reasons or just for the reasons mentioned above. And those who try helping you in such situations end up giving you the not at all wanted pep talk or that gooey lecture on how you’re so bright and you should “expect less” and let “people be people” and love yourself “enough” to let it be. Ahh. I know how you feel then. That’s when you actually turn cranky which you were characterised as before. But not to digress, in these moments when you don’t have explanations for how you feel and others can’t cope with that scattered mess you are, you wish for someone who knows how to love you when you’re sad. I say sad because even though you’re befuddled in regard to how you feel, deep down, out of that defiance mode you know you’re not the usual happy  you, the chuckles are not there nor do you feel that tranquil. You’re just not there, and just being there at the brink somewhere you’re sad. I’d say you’re just being you since you need a break and you’re going through this self analysis mode and while you’re at it, all those forlorn thoughts, they engulf you as well. And as I said it’s okay to feel that. But then your heart is not at peace. Probably because you want someone, anyone telling you that’s it’ll be okay. Not through those clichéd condolences as prior mentioned: “expect less from people.” Like the reason you ever expect more is because you wish to do that much for them. So why should you stop the goodness encapsulated within you? It’s not wrong for you to think that people in the world might treat you altruistically because you tend to treat them the same way. It’s okay if they disappoint you on their ways, but then know that you’re doing good. You’re thinking good. You’re wanting good. You’re not self indulgent but selfless. And when someone, anyone fails to tell us this and instead tells us to expect less or involve ourselves more in “self love” because this world treats lunatics likes us ruthlessly since it’s too selfish a world, then you tend to indulge in an even more low morale zone. And then you wish again that you had someone who could love you when you’re sad. Someone who could love you for your flaws that trigger when you have these moments. Someone who wouldn’t tell you to expect less or more or think you’re PMSing or you’re a sad lad generally or you’re a cranky soul or you need to cheer up because you don’t look good when you’re low or you need to stop slacking on your prayers but someone who can listen to all that your heart capsulises and looks in your eyes and tells you that not will it be only fine but it’s okay to feel this way and you’re great the way you are: for your strengths make you a better you and your weakness differentiate you from others. And thus you don’t have to change, but you’ve to believe in yourself and move on with all these feelings as a part of you, indulge in every thing life has to offer you with that great gallant heart you hold. But know, that a lot of times you might not find this someone and while the search is on and so is the journey, YOU have to be that someone for yourself. I know how astonishingly magical it could be if you find self affirmation in another human but as I said while you’re at it, while life happens to you, while that human you reside your reflection in is yet to be found, make yourself that one person and you’d find your peace in those moments..

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2 thoughts on “Moments

  1. Maryam I can’t tell you how much I can relate to it. You’ve been there for me in the short while we’ve known each other; always being the person to console and help me come out of these bursts of disappointment. You’re right. We need to be stronger and be that person ourselves. Thanks for the reassurance. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone: there are others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hahah, Fatima! I’ve no words how much all that you said means to me. If I’d say a lot it might be an understatement, but genuinely thankyou so much. And no, I love being there for you. And will try always being there, whenever needed IA. You’re so amazing and great yourself MA. It puts me in awe! And Thankyou once again! ❤️

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